All It Takes


Everyone handles culture shock differently. And I'd studied it in undergrad to prepare myself for what it would feel like. Even then, I was completely taken aback by it. It is so difficult for someone to understand who has never experienced it before, but I will do my best to share my experience here.

Some people go through a "honeymoon phase" when they initially enter the country. This is where the experience of new culture is exciting and thrilling and all that is new is enticing and leaves a person in awe. I had a couple, "My life feels like a movie" moments. Then, this rosey mentally sort of fades or dies down as the weeks pass. It isn't that the culture isn't as beautiful as it was before, it's simply that the newness and thrill have waned down. 

I felt like my honeymoon phase didn't last long, perhaps because of the season of winter that makes it more difficult to get out and explore on a whim or the fact that energy sapped from me so quickly because my brain was working out all these new sensory experiences. 

My third week brought with it what it has brought for others in similar experiences. A sort of depression, like the curvature of a valley. I was beginning to recognize more and more the things that I was missing about my home culture, whether small or big things. I was also recognizing a helplessness, in that I cannot communicate very effectively with people here (which is no one's fault, just a simple fact). It has been incredibly humbling to be a minority, and to those who lives their lives in that role, I admire you greatly. It takes way more strength and courage than I could ever fathom. It became easy for the enemy to feed on my isolation, filling my mind with my inadequacies, doubts, fears and so on. I began to feel guilty, because how could I not love something that God had been so faithful to bring me to? 

I am thankful that God has given me a passion for His word in these days, and I have found comfort and solace in His promises. That He who began a good work will see it to completion, as Philippians 1:6 says. 

One particular day, I had been sick and I couldn't go to work. Which left me a lot of time to think, which is not always fruitful, I might add. I was feeling defeated as this wasn't my first time being sick since being here and I was craving the distraction of work that has so often been the narrative of my life. I felt guilty for being unhappy, isolated and wanted to reach out to all of my friends as they slept soundly seven hours behind my schedule. 

So, I decided to sit and read my Bible. I've been working through a lot of different books and I happened to be reading through Matthew that day. I was feeling pretty defeated, because the enemy so easily convinces me that my work here is insignificant and I'm not making a big enough impact. And that was coming just after words of affirmation from my coworkers about how much they had enjoyed working with me and wanted me to stay. (Oh the lies he can craft, and we easily accept as truth.)

I came to Matthew 13, and the Parable of the Mustard Seed. So familiar, yet so necessary. And as I sat in tears, crying out to the Lord about not feeling like I was enough, and just struggling, I looked at the middle of the page. In the binding of my Bible, was a mustard seed. A mustard seed that a pastor from YEARS ago had given us when he'd preached on this passage. I had stuck it in the middle so that one day I would remember. 

I looked at that seed, and felt God whisper, "That's all it takes."

So small. Seemingly insignificant. Not easily seen. 

Just a few chapters later, Jesus uses the illustration of the mustard seed once more. "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." -Matthew 17:20

When I feel like I'm not enough or when I feel like I'm not doing enough or when I am missing my home and sitting in the uncomfortableness that comes with loneliness, I am reminded of the mustard seed. And the faith that brought me to this moment. Months of preparation and years of shaping a call on my life. All I have to have, is a mustard seed of faith. That God is with me, that He won't leave me. That He will use me and that I am enough simply as I am, because He made me enough. 

All of this to say, hold tight to your faith. Cling to the promises of Our Lord. Because when it comes down to it, that is all we could ever need. He will sustain us, just ask the birds. Aren't you worth more than many sparrows?


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