Coming Home

 

I've been back in the States for nearly three weeks now. It is crazy how the time has flown. If I am being honest, it already feels like life in the Czech is a distant memory. Coming back here has brought with it lots of different emotions to process - and placed me in positions I never imagined coming home to. But, there will always be things in life that we don't see coming. I am learning with each passing day that I am less and less in control of my life than I would ever let myself believe. Yet, that isn't a bad thing. Because the less in control I have, the more control God has. 

I wanted to speak of the faithfulness of God in my return home. 

The attack on Ukraine happened on a Thursday. I had awoken to the tragic news, but felt like there was nothing in the moment that I could do but pray and go about my day as normally as possible. When I was at work that night, I was receiving calls from others in the States or friends in the Czech, asking about my safety, talking about details and wrestling with the concerns for my own safety. Up until this point, it hadn't really set in that we were so close. But once that realization hit, so did my anxiety. 

It was like my brain instantly flooded. And it consumed every space in my brain. I couldn't stop thinking about all of the hurting people, the helplessness and fear that they must have felt. I felt helpless because I was living alone where I could speak no native language to truly know what others were thinking or saying about the situation. But, I cried out to the Lord. 

"God, if you want me to stay, I will stay. I know that you will provide for me and keep me safe, if this is where I am supposed to be. But, if I have any say in this, if I had a choice, I would want to go home." 

I felt Him continue to place "10 days" in my spirit. Okay God, ten days. Every other time He had said that to me, things fizzled out naturally on their own. So when He said that, my initial thoughts were okay, in ten days I will be fine. I won't be anxious. I will be okay with the situation and have peace. 

Yet the next day came, and peace was the farthest thing from my mind. I had gotten anxious enough that I worked myself up into a migraine. Crippled with pain, it took all my strength to just lay there and try to rest. My mind was spinning. I kept praying. "God, I don't think things will change for me in ten days. I confess that I'm not confident in that reality." 

Saturday came. Migraine still there, exhausted and in immense pain. I hadn't had a migraine like this in ages. I continued to pray. "Ten days?? What does that even mean, God? What happens in ten days? I can't go on like this, so please tell me that this pain and fear will cease."

In ten days, you will leave. It's okay. You can go. 

There was no hostility or conviction or anger in his voice. Only grace. I began to start in, "God, I only have a few weeks left, I can't just quit. They need me here, they want me here. What if I hurt them?"

It is okay. You are free to go. The door is open, so go. 

You have ten days: to say goodbye, to pack your things and prepare for the return. 

I felt instant relief. It was as if I had been holding my breath for days and was finally able to take a breath. I changed my plane ticket, I called my host dad (who said God had already told him a day earlier that I would leave, but that I needed to discern that on my own). I packed my bags. I told my colleagues at the school that I taught at, worried that they would be angry or upset. I prayed about what I would say, how they would respond. I was so so worried. I walked in, and I was once again met by grace. There was no judgement. They were kind, understanding, and even offered help in getting myself situated for the journey. I will never forget their kindness, in the entirety of my trip there, but especially in that moment when it would have been so easy to get upset at another setback, another uncertainty. 

I finished teaching that week and told my kiddos I had to leave. They hugged my legs and held my arms and begged me to stay. My eyes filled with tears. But I knew that I was making the right choice and I had to honor the Lord. 

Once again, I found myself anxious about the travel details. I ALWAYS get nervous in airports and navigating customs and passport control, etc. I continued to pray that God would lead me, protect me, surround me. I prepared all week for anything that border control could possibly ask me. But the best part, I was never asked a single question. At either of the border control points. NOT ONE QUESTION. The people ahead of me and the people behind me were, but they looked at my passport, looked at me, and told me I was free to go. If you know anything about international travel, you know how unheard of this is - which is how you know that God had His hand in the whole thing. I made it home with only one flight delay, and by then I was already in the States. 

If I have learned anything in the last three months - maybe even the last couple of years - is that God is faithful. He cares for His children with a love that makes no sense to our human minds. I will never be able to fathom His love and grace for me. But, I will continue to share of His faithfulness, all the days of my life. That is what I have been called to, a lifetime of making Him known. 

Picture from: https://www.istockphoto.com/photos/unpacking-suitcase